Breaking the Good Girl Rules: Building Your Business
I'm a believer that a rising tide floats all boats. My goal is to be part of raising the tide.
It took me a while to get here. To believe that I could elevate other women. To give them permission to want more and realize they deserved more. But here I am in 2020, doing just that - as a woman who has built and rebuilt, burned down and rebuilt my business (again!) over the last seven years.
Through it all, the golden thread is my core mission is to empower other women to have more freedom and more say in their lives. I coach and mentor womxn in starting businesses. Businesses that can grow to support them and give them more choices. And also ways to use their voice while openly expressing their wants and needs - without guilt or shame.
Because here's what I know: In the late 1980s, with wide eyes and big dreams, I moved to Dallas, Texas, to work for MCI Telecommunications. I was an associate engineer in a male-dominated field. 100% of the executives and managers I dealt with in 1988 were men. A majority of my work included communicating with the good-ole-boy network within railroad companies - they addressed me as "Little Lady." I started using "Elizabeth" instead of my childhood nickname "Beth," hoping it would make me appear older and more distinguished. Rearranging myself to fit into their world.
Almost two years in, I received a review that didn't reflect my work. And after me asking for details on the merits of my assessment I was dismissed and told to "Just do what you do best, go back to your desk and look pretty."
Two days after my request for more information? I was fired.
There it was. Patriarchy.
A system where women are to not ask questions but instead, make themselves as small as possible. Only make an appearance when requested - and never, ever in a way that would disrupt the status quo. A status quo that is the comfort zone of men who benefit from it.
Patriarchy doesn't like women who are questioners or challengers. Patriarchy perpetuates the good girl rules we were taught growing up.
Looking back, I didn't see it as I see it now. In 1989, I was stunned and shocked. And so very angry. But I was also filled with guilt and shame - for something that I should have never been asked to carry.
And now? I know that I was sexually harassed within a system that I thought I could navigate. Granted, not always making the best choices. That much, I will admit. But definitely never asking for what I was delivered.
I had to learn those lessons the hard way.
Working jobs and raising my children, first while married and then divorced as a single mom, was another slap of a system meant to keep women small. Having to leave work for sick children, miss meetings for pediatrician appointments, and be punished for it later. Fighting for pay increases. Expected to be at my desk at 9am and work until 5pm. Rushing home to cook dinner, check homework, start baths, throw in a laundry load, and fall into bed. Only to receive a paycheck and job title that would never see the emotional responsibilities I also held in my day-to-day.
The 9-to-5 world was never made for women. It was made for men who had wives caring for the very time-consuming details of living. And now, here we are in 2020...still fighting for equality in our governments, in our corporations. And maybe for some, even in our own homes. All still while also caring for those same daily details.
Something amazing happened to me in 2011. I realized that I had a skill that was continually being requested by colleagues. While I was happy to help, I wondered if I could (and should) actually charge for these services? When a "can I pick your brain…" conversation would turn into me consulting on how to overhaul their marketing, and it was received with great success. Shouldn't I be compensated?
It was my first glimpse of possibilities. The opportunity to choose when I worked and who I worked with. What I charged (which was always way too less, by the way. But that's a different conversation for a different time) and what skills I chose to share.
My light bulb moment: As a mom of kids away in college, I can do this from wherever I wanted. I can make money, as much as I want. I can use my skills and my intuition to drive this. I can use my voice to make this what I want it to be.
But I was in for another shock. Instead of the uplifting women-in-biz community, I had hoped to find, I had to wade through the bro-culture of 4-hour schedules with no mention of caring for a family. While the definition of getting help was to hire underpaid workers from an impoverished country. And let's also not forget bro-centered marketing and only focusing on terms like "funnels" and vanity numbers of likes and followers.
It took me a few years to realize why I didn't quite connect with the examples I saw - even if they were from other women in biz! And it took a couple more before I said, no more.
I didn't start my business to replicate life in my 9-to-5. I didn't start my business to follow someone else's blueprint for success. I started my business to define what success meant for me.
I didn't want just numbers. I wanted connections. I didn't want to work 8 hours a day. I wanted to tune into my creative energy and create my days based on natural cycles. I wanted all of me - all that had been asked to change and fit into a box over the years - to be present. To be allowed to shine.
Building a business is breaking the good girl rules.
And as women, we can do better. We need to do better.
We can take away competition and look toward collaboration.
We can lift one another up and promote one another's good work.
We can congratulate without envy.
We can and should applaud even just having the courage to break out of a system that has tried really damn hard to keep us quiet and small.
We can choose hours and projects that promote harmony in our lives - not take us away from those who mean the most.
We can use our life’s experiences to be an inspiration for others.
We can call bullshit on racism, ageism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, and other oppressing systems.
We can lead by example - an example of our own making.
We can love ourselves despite the weight we’ve gained or the crows feet we’ve earned.
And If you are a white woman in business, you can join me in helping our sisters of color.
We can promote Black voices.
We can listen with an open heart.
We can do our own work.
We can grow feminism to be inclusive to all womxn, not just the ones who look like us or had the privilege that we did and do. One that is working at seeing the intersection of experiences of womxn as a whole.
I am here breaking the good girl rules and I want to help you do the same.
And I am choosing to be the rising tide.
Will you join me?
This post was originally created for a community project by Jo Casey.